While stopped at a light yesterday, Gary and I witnessed a crime. Sadly, this crime is not one yet recognized by any Court. A male over the age of nine months old walked out of Starbucks with his lady friend wearing the following: a pink polo shirt, plaid shorts, loafers with no socks and sunglasses. Let me add the sunglasses weren’t perched daintily on Chad’s nose (I’m positive his name was Chad). Oh no, they were on his neck… the back of his neck… backwards.

I looked at Gary and said, “You know? That guy’s a douche. I just know he is. I can feel it. You know he bought that pink shirt out of the L.L.Bean catalog but called it “watermelon” or “salmon.” He certainly didn’t say, “Oh hey look! I’m going to buy this PINK shirt.”

Then the light changed. Just in time for Chad, I might add. I had decided right then and there that Gary should get out of the car and rough Chad up.

“Men should be allowed the beat the crap out of other dudes based on the Douche Principle.” I declared to Gary with great conviction.

Gary, having just worked 24 hours and slept maybe four hours, just sort of looked at me. I was a bit surprised. Usually he’s all for random acts of violence. So I explained the Douche Principle:

If any self-respecting man witnesses the following offenses being committed by another male over a certain age, he may beat the tar out of the other fellow with impunity:

 

♦ Wearing a polo shirt that was purchased with the color being described as watermelon, mint, tangerine, coral, beeswax — or any variation — rather than pink, green, orange, pink (again) or yellow.

♦Any polo shirt, regardless of color, with a popped/flipped color. Really? Is this the 80’s, gentlemen?

 

 

♦Watermelon/mint/tangerine/coral/beeswax shirt with plaid shorts and loafers/boat shoes. Need I say more?

 

 

 

♦Sunglasses worn backwards on one’s neck. While I understand the need to prevent your neck from becoming too red, there is such an invention as sunscreen. It can be purchased at any drugstore. Heck, I bet that fancy face cream you use has SPF15 that can be applied to the back of your pretty neck, Chad.

 

 

 

 

♦A bracelet. Unless it’s a medical alert bracelet or KIA/POW bracelet. Why, oh why, would a grown man need a bracelet. The same could be said for multiple necklaces and crucifixes. I can see maybe one crucifix if you’re Catholic, but even then I’m not sure that’s Pope-approved (I have an email in to the Vatican for clarification).

♦Shorts, a t-shirt and a sports coat. What’s the matter? Were you unsure of today’s events? Were you maybe going to be casual? Maybe going to a business meeting? Is this your way of showing the world that hey, you play by your *own* rules?

 

 

 

 

 

 

♦Calling every male person he sees or meets “Bra” or “Bro.” This may be waived in certain surfing regions as I understand this to be a cultural thing.

♦Wearing his class ring. Waiver grudgingly given for up to two years post graduation. This does not apply to high school rings, which should actually never be worn by a male. High school rings for guys are strictly provided for them to give to their simpering girlfriends to wear so they don’t have to buy engagement rings but can still get laid. WHAT?? I speak the truth people.

For the above offenses, a douche can be pummeled. Not to death or permanent injury. Just a roughing up.

Now, let’s be clear, two douches may not pounce on each other. Gary pointed out this would be very ineffective. It would be like two first grade girls fighting — a bunch of silly little slaps. Good point. Though, what if Douche 1 ran into Douche 2 wearing the same <gasp> beeswax polo at Panera during lunch rush? Hmmm, I’ll have to revisit this one later.

When Self-Respecting Man (SRM) beats the crap out of Douche Man, the police may not understand what’s going on and arrest SRM. This is acknowledged. However, once this all goes to Court and SRM says, “Your Honor, Douche Man was wearing/doing <insert applicable Douche Principle here>.” The judge will immediately drop all charges.

Indeed, the Douche Principle would be a good thing to have.